An Open Letter to Deepika Padukone

Dear Deepika,

I am leaving you.

I am sorry to do this. I love you, you know that. But I can’t do this anymore. You broke my heart. I am leaving you, and I am moving on…maybe to Anushka Sharma, maybe to Mila Kunis, I haven’t decided yet.

Let me tell you, most of these liars who call themselves your fans noticed Deepika Padukone for the first time in the pathetic Om Shanti Om. Whereas I, on the other hand, have been in love with you for almost a decade now. It was love at first sight when I saw you in that Limca commercial ages ago. And I have loved you ever since. You were so lovely, so lively, so sexy, so desirable, so….perfect, that I had practically stopped looking at other women. They were just not good enough. You, my love, were everything that a man could ask for, and a lot of things that he cannot even dream of. You, were my life.

Did you know that I have watched every single one of your films, every TV appearance, every YouTube video? Would you believe that I had every one of your Kingfisher calendar photos pinned to my wall, along with 27  other posters and more than 50 newspaper clippings? That you had been the wallpaper for both my cell and my computer for about 5 years now? Do you know that I have read and filed every article of praise that has been written about you? And that I have burned every piece of paper that I could lay hands on, that printed one negative sentence about you? Do you know that I kept showing your pictures to my dog, so that if I could bring you home someday, she wouldn’t bark at you?

It was in 2007 when you first made me less than perfectly happy with you. Om Shanti Om! Seriously, babe, I can forgive you for acting, or trying to act, or actually failing to act in a movie that bad. All Sharukh Khan movies are more or less of that standard. And although people called you wooden, I knew the real reason. It was beneath you to give your all to something so sub-standard. That’s okay. But how could you possibly decide to make your Bollywood debut in a movie that is called “Om Shanti Om”? I mean, for God’s sake, who the hell names anything “Om Shanti Om.” ? What comes next? Lingerie named “Ayushman Bhava”?

Image via Wikipedia

I’m sorry. I got a little carried away there. This is not about your career. Although, if I could just  say, you were great in Love Aaj kal, incredibly sexy and dirty in that number in Dum Maaro Dum, so casual, carefree in Break Kke Baad, so desirable in Karthik calling Karthik, and so, so celestially beautiful in each and every one of them. Even in the disaster called Desi Boyz. By the way, speaking of Dum Maaro Dum, did you know that I actually punched a guy in the face because he said he had dirty thoughts about you after watching you dance in that short skirt? I’m sorry. Like all responsible lovers, I am a little too protective of you.

Critics say you cannot act. Screw them. Why would you  have to act? You are already perfect. The fact that you indulged me, by being on screen, so that I could look and look at you is reason enough for me to be grateful to you forever.

Some people also say that you are a gold-digger. Now that, in a way, is what this is all about. Wait! I DO NOT consider you a gold-digger. Please. How could you even think that I would have such thoughts? You are the kindest, most compassionate human being that has ever walked on this planet. An angel, no, a Goddess. Why else would you adopt an entire village?

Anyway, to get back to what I was saying, people say you are always after guys that have more money than they know what to do  with.  Don’t worry. I never paid attention to these jerks. I was actually secretly happy when you were linked to MS Dhoni. He was a man worthy of you. Then you said those were rumors. That was fine, too. But then Yuvraj Singh came along. Now, I like that guy. But he seemed a strange choice after Dhoni. “She must have her reasons.” I told myself.  Then, surprise again, Ranbir Kapoor. This time I was shocked. Yes, you two did look good together. But he looks and acts like a baby, for God’s sake. What were you doing with him? Eventually, I convinced myself that it was merely career move, and I was proved right when you dumped him. “I knew she’s smart”, I told myself.

And then the Rich Man’s son appeared. I’m sorry. I loathe him for stealing you from me. And I would not take his name. When the first rumors surfaced, and my friends started winking at me, I ignored them. “Media people”, I used to snort, they’ll say anything. The rumors got more frequent, and persistent, and I kept ignoring them. “It’s business.” I told myself. “She’s their brand ambassador, of course she has to appear in public events.”

And then You, you heartless woman, you had to kiss him in public. Do you know that I actually cried that day? I mean, how could you do that? I know that you’ll dump him soon, but how could you let yourself be linked to someone like that?Please. Tell me one positive thing about him. Money? No. You’re not that sort of a woman. Besides, you already have enough money for both of us. Then why?? What does he have that I don’t? I even look better than him. I love you with all my heart, I dedicate everything I have to you, and then you do this to me? How could you? didn’t you see how much I loved you? Wasn’t that enough?

Speaking of love, years ago I made a promise to myself that I’ll always love you no matter what. I’m sorry. But this is where I draw the line. As soon as your lips touched his on that day in that packed stadium, I felt like somebody had crushed my heart in a vice. It’s kind of numb now. I don’t feel anything there anymore. I’m sorry again. Maybe you are regretting your actions after reading this, but it’s over between us.

I never told you, every year for the last 5 years, I have thrown a party on this day with a huge cake that said ‘Happy Birthday Angel.” Today, I guess I’ll just go out and get drunk. I’m sorry I’m telling you all this so many days after that public display incident. I was in too much pain. Besides, I wanted to end on a positive note. Today seems best. My best wishes for the “good times” you appear to be headed to. And may I also say,

Happy Birthday!

Love,